The Outside in Journey
I was not born off this world! I’m in the lineage of Shakti, of Kali, of Saraswati, of Krishna, of Babaji, of Shiva. I am not of the lineage of Christ or Kuan Yin or Buddha.
I saw the ugliness of my ego at a very early age through the reflections of my mother. If your own mother said you were ugly inside and out then it must have been true, right! And so from a very early age my destiny was Death and that embodied understanding this wheel of samsara through getting intimate with Karma.
I saw her (Karma) workings at a very young age….
When my brother at 3 years old was run over by my dad reversing his car and the very second later my brother was up and about running around like a tickle of joy that just got him. All the while dressed up as Krishna during a Deepawali celebration.
And when at my 9th birthday my mother insisted on dressing my sister and I in the same clothes and I refused because I insisted I was different, I was not the same as her and her not the same as me and I wanted to be different. I needed to be different otherwise that would affirm that I was as ‘ugly’ as the world was around me. The anger, the hatred, the anguish, the pain, the suffering.
And then when I couldn’t talk to my own mother about the most intimate anguish within me I had to rely on my own instincts and intuition and at the age of 17 when I when on the pill (now you know ) and a few months later my mother found them hidden in my drawer and lashed at me saying “ What kind of example are you setting for your sister?” I kept quiet taking the verbal abuse as I always did and cursing Divine for this pain that he put me through yet again. And yet again, he affirm the ugliness of my ego through these reflections of the world. And it would be years later when I moved away 600km on my own only to get a call to say my sister was pregnant at the age of around 19, I think, and she wasn’t married and with an abusive guy who I just kept quiet about as I no longer felt part of the family. But when I got that call the first thing Divine said was ‘Can you see how I work?’
That was probably the most reflective experience that truly kicked off my understanding and appreciation of Karma and how she worked because Divine linked my mothers lashing on me and the pill with my sister getting pregnant outside of marriage (back then for an Indian family, this was a big thing). And so my mother fell off her high horse that day.
And then there was the car accident and the death which after six years of emotional suppression and inner isolation brought me to the feet of TLB and Guruji and the experience of my real self. My deep gratitude for the Samadhi experience can never be expressed in words because for all my life all I wanted was to experience death and to move on from this retched life that I was cursed to.
And I knew without a shadow of a doubt TLB could lead me to death, to this death of the ugliness of my ego. I had done so many self help workshops and courses to challenge myself if he was the real deal….if he could lead me to this liberation of this ego to my true self and the most profound one was yet to come. Because when the journey of TPT started the windows to my soul danced wide open like I was home! I resonated with every fibre of my very being and knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was home. That this arduous journey of aloneness and emotional strife was not in vain because it lead me here to this higher understanding of who this entity is called Karen.
This ego that I hated so much! Being born a Virgo, the Craftsman! Being born in this Female body cursed and blessed with Endometriosis! Being born as an Empath! Being born as Karen, the meme that is soooo true! Being born to walk this journey alone and yet sooooo blessed with who is in my void of consciousness! Today I reflect upon TLB’s discourse on the void of your consciousness and Divine shows me just how far I’ve come. I hated my self all my life, my mother said no one would love me for who I am and so I started hating my self, my friends couldn’t accept my differences and so the lonely path of friendlessness forced me to engage in conversations with the Lord! My rebellious nature of just following my heart and walking the present moment in this aloneness, this inner silence, without even knowing it, brought me to this point of looking deep into my void of consciousness and see how far I’ve just come on this journey of close to 47 years now. For hating my self for all these years and for my ugliness that reflected on my interactions and relationships with the outside world, I take a step back and look within at my void of consciousness and what Divine has filled it with, today, right now, right here. And all I can say is ‘Thank you’
For all that I have gone through I would not change anything in my life! Not one thing! Because to mess with my karmic path would mean that I would not be blessed with having TPT in my life. My void of consciousness has the most profound spiritual teacher for my journey. Imagine that! I have my own personal Shiva (TLB) to guide me through this life with the higher understanding of this cosmic creation and my place in it! Come on! If that’s not the highest blessing and gift from Divine that one can have in their own void of consciousness, in this dream called life, I don’t know what is. And to add to that having a sibling embody loyalty, trust and compassion reflects that part of me that maybe the outside world does not see but it’s not for their entertainment anyways. And to top everything having not just one but two Sentient Spirit Guides take embodiment as the apex of the natural world shows me that TPT is the highest and most profound wisdom that Divine has blessed me with for my awakening. And if this damaged ego still doubts that the awakening of the soul is the ultimate orgasmic experience then receiving this blessing from a student returning home seals any doubt that the archetypes may have been whispering to each other…
“Hello Karen and Tjaart – My heart and soul are jumping for joy for having made contact with you I have missed my teachers over this past year – I have dedicated the past year to testing the Perennial Truth to establish for myself whether the Perennial Truth is in fact the one and only. In order for me to do that I had to move away from you, Tjaart, the sanctuary and even the book to allow myself time to think, ponder and feel. And again, life gave me exactly what I needed with the temporary closure of the sanctuary even though at first I was a little disappointed and upset. I needed proof that what I had experienced was real beyond any doubt and not just because Karen was pushing me to do something or because my ego was loving the attention. My past experience with religion has taught me how many things can seem like the one and only truth at the time so I needed proof. It’s been an incredible year of growth for me. What has become clear – My whole experience with the Perennial Truth is in fact not just a passing phenomenon but a change so deep and real that’s its changed my brain and thinking patterns completely. The person I was only exists in my memories. I think and act differently. The understanding of the intricacies and delicate balance of life through the Perennial Truth brings with it a knowing that cannot be undone. 2021 is dedicated to growing spiritually, living the Perennial Truth and teaching, however subtly it may be. I’m excited to see what this year brings and I’m expecting great things – the pandemic is preparing humanity for change – for now, my new routine involves waking at 5 am – meditation, reading and study – I have downloaded the app and I’ll be listening to Tjaarts podcasts, re reading The Perennial Truth and seeing what doors open up for me……..”
My unauthodox ways of pushing people to live and fulfil their highest potential has finally paid off.
See this journey is an Outside In one of self reflections and self observations and no one can interfere with that unless you are walking the opposite journey of trying to please people and making others happy all the while moving further away from your own personal path of awakening.
Tjaart always asked my what do you want for the SOS organisation and one thing I for sure I said I never wanted an organization! And this last year has been an incredible journey of truth that arose from the pandemic and the lockdown. It gave us the time to really shut down and go within and in this process the results can be seen or rather heard in the intensity of wisdom in our podcasts taking the knowledge deeper and deeper. My yearning for higher truth and enlightenment, got TLB to have daily satsangs in sharing this wisdom and yes of course my nature is to share this to the mundane world for whomever is listening, but really these podcasts and discourses were for my growth and my learnings and unearthing the archives of over 20 years of discourses has been the best thing ever because listening to this knowledge again takes the understanding so much deeper. And so NO, this ego does not want an organization but rather a community of like minded sincere seekers willing to step up and show up and serve the greater good beyond all selfish desires of the 12 archetypes of the ego.
My void of consciousness is in its most happiest space expanding in every moment and I am truly blessed for this Outside In journey and for every single experience, good and bad, that lead me to this point of my mundane life today. Don’t get me wrong I still see the ugliness of my 12 archetypes but I am becoming closer to aligning my ego to my true self, and allowing my soul to awaken and more so to see that it is NOT this entity called Karen!
“Death is white not black. It creeps through the skin of the aged as an unwelcome prophet to announce the end is near, and here it is everywhere, stretching as far as the eye can see, endeavouring to smother even the highest peaks.” Keys of Yama
To my greatest teacher of all time, A BITCH ( humbly so…A Being In Total Control Here ) called Karma!